Peak Performers by Tiffany Uman

How to not take things personally

November 20, 2023

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As you strive for excellence, it is only natural that you take your work seriously and build much pride in the outcomes you create. After all, it is a reflection of you and your distinct work ethic.

Peak performers are inherently driven, ambitious, and deeply invested in their work.

This intense commitment, while a strength, can also lead to a tendency to take work-related events personally. Recognizing this propensity is the first step in addressing it.

Your ability to separate personal feelings from professional interactions is not just a skill but a necessity. This ability enables you to stay focused, objective, and resilient, even in the face of criticism or failure.

By understanding and embracing this concept, you set the stage for peak performance in your career, ensuring that setbacks become stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks.

So much of it resides in how you choose to react to the situation or feedback by associating deeper, personal meaning to the message that was never intended.

"Choose not to be harmed - and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed - and you haven't been." - Marcus Aurelius

It is essential to recognize that feedback, differing opinions, and even outright rejection are part of the professional landscape. These elements should be viewed as opportunities for growth and learning rather than personal affronts.

This approach not only enhances your professional growth but also contributes to a healthier work environment, fostering collaboration, innovation, and resilience.

Here's how.

Common downfalls.

Receiving criticism and feedback in your work is inevitable.

In fact, when embraced, it can unlock new levels of growth that will take your career to new heights if you remain open-minded, objective and curious.

That said, it is important to recognize valuable feedback that will elevate you and push you beyond your self-imposed limits, even if that feels uncomfortable or uneasy.

Here are 4 major downfalls to ensure you do not self-sabotage in this journey:

→ Personalization of feedback: Feedback is essential for growth, and yet it is often interpreted as a personal critique insinuating something negative about you. This will hamper learning and growth not only in the moment but also in how you approach future challenges or difficulty, often facing more resistance instead of willingness.

→ Over-identification with work success and failures: Equating professional successes or failures with your personal identity is a critical mistake. It will lead to unnecessary stress and a skewed self-image putting the emphasis in the wrong places. There is a fine balance between standing behind your work and results with confidence versus making them all about you (the good and the bad).

→ Distraction from your career goals: Taking things personally can derail career goals by focusing on short-term emotions rather than long-term objectives. Do not fall into the trap of using this specific feedback as a negative indicator of your capabilities, strengths or future accomplishments. Rather, use it as an opportunity on where you can improve to align even closer towards your target goals.

→ Generalization of the feedback: The human brain has a natural tendency to give weight to negative experiences or interactions more than positive ones, often referred to as negativity bias. This pitfall is at high risk when taking one piece of feedback and generalizing it to become something bigger than it needs to be and what this suggests about you as a person.

3 strategies to leave your ego at the door

1/ The art of indifference

Often misunderstood as a lack of passion or disinterest, it is in fact a powerful tool in the realm of career development. It is the ability to remain emotionally detached and objective in professional settings, especially in situations of criticism or conflict.

This skill enables you to navigate the complexities of the workplace without being hindered by personal insecurities or emotional reactions.

By mastering indifference, peak performers transform potential setbacks into opportunities for growth, maintaining a clear and focused mind essential for making strategic decisions and advancing in their careers.

Not caring in this context does not mean a lack of commitment or responsibility towards your job; rather, it is about not letting personal feelings cloud judgment or impede progress.

When criticism is received, an indifferent mindset allows you to assess it constructively, extracting useful feedback while discarding any negativity that may be attached. This approach fosters resilience, as it prevents you from dwelling on negative experiences and instead, encourages you to move forward with renewed insight and determination.

This ability to not take things personally can serve as a career superpower, shielding you from the emotional turmoil that often accompanies workplace challenges.

Moreover, indifference aids in building healthier workplace relationships overall. By not taking things personally, you can avoid unnecessary conflicts and misunderstandings that can arise from misinterpreted feedback or actions. This objectivity promotes a more harmonious and productive work environment, where communication is clear and focused on the task at hand.

In leadership roles, this quality is particularly invaluable, as it sets a tone of fairness and impartiality, encouraging teams to focus on collective goals rather than individual sensitivities.

By cultivating a mindset where you do not take things personally, you can navigate your career with a sense of clarity and purpose, making you even more adaptable, resilient, and ultimately, more successful.

This skill, though subtle, can make a significant difference in your overall trajectory, setting apart those who merely survive in their careers from those who truly thrive as peak performers.

Which side do you want to be on?

2/ Go beyond the surface

When receiving feedback, you must not simply take it at face value but rather probe further about its true intention and actionable steps moving forward.

Often, constructive feedback can feel like a personal attack, leading to defensive reactions that hinder the ability to understand and learn from it. However, when you actually delve deeper, setting aside initial emotional responses, feedback becomes a valuable source of insight.

Your role is to decipher the underlying message or intention, which often points to areas of potential growth or change. This deeper level of engagement with feedback requires a certain level of emotional intelligence and self-awareness, allowing one to discern between constructive criticism and mere opinion or negativity.

To effectively navigate this process, it is essential to foster an open mind. Instead of immediately reacting to feedback, pause and reflect on what is being said. Ask clarifying questions to fully understand the perspectives being offered.

→ For example: "I appreciate you sharing this feedback with me although I am surprised this has never been shared before. Can you provide some concrete examples of where you felt I missed the mark on this?"

This approach not only diffuses the emotional charge that might come with receiving feedback but also demonstrates a commitment to personal and professional development.

By actively seeking to understand the root and relevance of the feedback, you are more likely to identify actionable steps for improvement. This method also transforms potentially negative experiences into crucial learning opportunities.

You must also be open to sharing counter-feedback to shed more context on a particular situation where you feel perception may be skewed. This is not about being defensive but rather demonstrating another side of the story to consider in solidifying the feedback received.

→ For example: "I understand where you're coming from on this and would like to share an additional consideration that I don't believe has been taken into account. In this particular example, I had actually done X, Y and Z to avoid that challenge but in the end, it wasn't enough to rectify the final outcome."

In this regard, you replace emotion with facts to dissociate yourself from the feedback itself, while still driving a positive forward movement for the business needs.

3/ Focus on the bigger picture

When it comes to common workplace dynamics, it is easy to get caught up in the minutiae of day-to-day interactions and feedback, which can lead you to take things more personally.

However, when you step back and look at the overall goals and objectives of the organization, individual comments or criticisms can be seen in a different light.

This broader perspective helps in understanding that most workplace interactions are driven by professional objectives rather than personal sentiments.

By aligning your personal goals with the larger objectives of the team or company, it becomes easier to interpret feedback and challenges as part of a collective effort towards a common goal, rather than as personal attacks.

Maintaining a focus on the bigger picture also aids in prioritizing tasks and responses. In a busy work environment, reacting to every comment or action on a personal level can be draining and counterproductive.

Understanding the overarching goals allows for a more strategic approach to work, where decisions and reactions are based on their impact on these goals rather than on personal feelings. This approach not only enhances productivity but also fosters a more objective and less emotionally charged workplace atmosphere.

Peak performers detach their personal feelings from their professional roles and are more resilient and adaptable to change, while better navigating the complexities and pressures of the workplace.

By not internalizing the day-to-day ups and downs and instead focusing on long-term objectives, you will inevitably cultivate a growth mindset.

Instead of taking a piece of feedback and saying "I can't believe I missed that", "I'm so stupid to have let that happen" or "this is going to reflect so badly on me moving forward", shift to an abundant mindset based on possibility.

→ For example: "What can I take away from this that will help me be better in X?" or "How can I avoid this again in the future and instead improve on Y process?" or "How can I use this feedback to reinforce my strengths instead that will benefit the company goals?"

This mindset enables you to see beyond immediate setbacks or criticisms and to understand their role in the larger scheme of your career trajectory.

Ultimately, focusing on the bigger picture is a key component in building a fulfilling and resilient career, helping you to navigate the workplace with a sense of purpose and perspective.

What will you do to not take things personally?

Learning to not taking things personally is an ongoing journey - so have grace with yourself. By understanding your psyche, acknowledging common pitfalls, and implementing the key strategies shared in today's newsletter, you can rise above criticism with professionalism, integrity and openness to bring out the peak performer in you.

You've got this!

This week's mission is aimed at helping you to build the muscle to not take things personally at work. These reflections are designed to replace ego with growth and learning opportunity. Your mission is to turn these reflections into actionable insights that you can adopt in your day-to-day work environment to avoid self-sabotage and bring out your best.

1/ When faced with criticism or challenging situations: Instil the art of indifference to respond objectively, without letting personal feelings dictate your reaction.

What emotions do you typically feel when receiving feedback or criticism at work? How do these emotions influence your reactions?
Think about a recent instance where you took something personally at work. How could you have applied the art of indifference to respond more effectively?
Envision a scenario where you successfully maintain professional detachment. How does this impact the outcome of the situation and your emotional well-being?

2/ Go beyond surface-level feedback: Rather than reacting immediately, take time to understand the underlying message and how it can aid in your professional growth.

Consider a piece of feedback you received recently. What is the deeper message or learning in it that you can extract?
Identify opportunities to ask clarifying questions when receiving feedback if needed. Draft a list of 5 follow-up questions to ask when you receive feedback you disagree with, but without being defensive.
How does this activity now change your perception of the feedback? From here, list 1 actionable step you can take to improve your work or behaviour based on this feedback.

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